God. Is it already September? I want to cuss. I try not to drop the f bomb on here, guys. But fudge. It’s September. I need it to slow the heck down and back the heck up. I feel like summer started yesterday. Now August is over and September is bursting through the doors like an uninvited guest. I’m not ready for the latter half of the year, but here it comes. At least one good thing will happen this month. The weather will cool down, even if it’s just two degrees. If I’m looking forward to anything, it’s autumn. That can’t come soon enough. The rest of it, though? It can stop right now.
August was especially difficult for me. As I wrote in my post a few weeks ago, it wasn’t exactly easy for me emotionally. Between my depression kicking my ass, stressing about finding a new apartment, and my grandmother doing poorly, it was a rollercoaster ride.
Update on my Grandmother
In early August, my grandmother entered the hospital. Her skin color was looking yellow, she wasn’t really eating, and she’d been feeling extra sick. The doctors did a surgery and were optimistic. Then she never got better. After a few days, they determined there wasn’t anything more they could do for her. At this point, she’s in hospice and they’re making her as comfortable as possible.
My heart is shattered. The worst part is, I don’t know how to handle this properly. I’m that person who never really dealt with death. I’ve had one family members that I loved dearly pass, but no one like her. This woman is such a light. Her kindness is overwhelming. If you don’t instantly like my grandmother after meeting her, you’re heartless. I love this woman. I strive to be her level of selfless and sweet. I’d give anything to spend five more minutes with her. To hear her laugh. To see her smile. But I can’t. I can’t, and I’m broken. I can’t go and see here. I can’t sit with her and talk with her. And as a woman who’s better face to face than on a phone, the short thirty-second conversations aren’t enough. I need more.
But it’s not all gloom and doom. I’m trying to see positive things in life, even through the darkness. It’s what she does. It’s how she’d want me to be. There’s an Ed Sheeran song that’s truly been helping me through this. It’s called Supermarket Flowers, and it’s probably one of his best. It’s about losing his grandmother. While it’s a sad, heart-wrenching song, it’s got such a beautiful and positive message.
“I hope that I see the world as you did cause I know
A life with love is a life that’s been lived”
I keep these lyrics in my head at all times. When I feel like eating people alive with my words, I step back and think of her. How she’d send Christmas cards to my nasty other grandparents even though they never gave her a second thought. How the doctors were never happy to work on her but loved working with her. Of course, she stands up for herself when necessary and sasses the crap out of my grandfather to this day. But she kills people with kindness. I want to be that person. I want people to know my kindness. I want to be the sweet little old lady who smiles and the room lights up. She makes me want to be that person. I’m holding on to that.
Now, I’m not an overly religious person. But I firmly believe when she gets home to those pearly gates, God will welcome back his angel with open arms. If he doesn’t, the rest of us are screwed.
I was going to write more on this month, but I wanted to end it on a positive note. As Ed Sheeran sang, “spread love and understanding, positivity.” Today I wanted to spread positivity. In all this gloom, I have to look forward and be positive. That’s what I need and what my grandmother would want me to do. Please keep her and my family in your prayers.
Until next time, guys.